***A little disclaimer ahead of time, this post is not for everyone. Some may be offended and I may use a little bit if language that some may not agree with.
Well another year has come and gone in the blink of an eye, and I am now 32! Someone posted on fb the other day they remember when 30 was old, and all I could do was laugh and say AMEN!
Ive been thinking alot lately about infertility and feel like its my time to share some of my story, views and possibly words of wisdom -- if I dare call it that -- about it. So, here it goes...
Infertility, what a B! Sorry for the vulgarity, but the best word I have to describe all aspects of infertility. It is this sneaky, awful thing that consumes everything being of you. Here is my good, bad & ugly!
I knew from a young age that my period was a little more difficult than that of some others. I started the roller coaster of birth control early on, bout 15 or 16 in attempt to find some relief from the continual pain, cramps and migraines. Only to find the side effects from the bc were sometimes worse than the period itself. So, I spent years trying different types of bc and pain relief methods.
I eventually learned that I "probably" had pcos and endometriosis. It was years later that these official diagnoses were made along with new ones. Through the beginning of this It was easy to figure out that having a baby might be a more diffucult task. One thing that had been told to me over and over, the earlier you try to get pregnant probably the better, or if you do get pregnant your problems might fix themselves, its the most sure fire way to fix it all -- umm yah thats what I wanna hear in my early 20's. Yah ok Im gonna go and intentionally get pregnant when Im not ready so that MAYBE it will fix things, NOT!
That is prob one of my largest frustrations, the drs will only do so many tests and treatments until the time comes that you actually have been trying to get pregnant for about a year before you can start to see specialists and get a true diagnosis. I understand why, the testing is no walk in the park, so they try to treat with bc and other meds until you want to get pregnant. But, trying the bc and other methods are no walk in the park either. Ughhh!
Early on in our relationship I filled Ben in on with the fact that it might be hard for me to concieve, but it never phased him. He was along for whatever ride was going to come our way.
So soon after we were married, at 25 I went off bc and we were just "seeing what happened," "relaxing & trying to not stress over it..." Because that is what everyone always says will happen. "Oh it wil happen when you least expect it, dont stress, in God's time..." Ummm NOT!
Sure it does happen that way for lots of people, but it doesnt for alot of people, and it SUCKS! I know people say all that stuff with good intention, with love and trying to encourage you, but Im sorry there are times that you hear those words and all you wanna do is punch that person in the face -- to this day I actually have never punched someone in the face for such words ;). Please dont get me wrong there are plenty of times that those words didnt make me wanna scream, esp when my head was clear enough to appreciate the love that those words came with.
After a few months of marriage I started to see a holistic dr. I Quickly learned that bc had messed up all of my hormones beyond believe and that my body had alot of healing to do before I could even attempt to get pregnant. So, next came months of massive life changes; diets, hormones, injections, vitamins up the butt, etc.
After a few months I started to feel better in alot of ways. My skin looked amazing, so many stomach problems were clearing up and I was having more regular periods and not as heavy. But ovulation wasnt consistent and we still didnt conceive.
Awhile passed, life got insane; lots of weddings of siblings all over the US, moved half way across the USA into the middle of no were and everything started over again.
Hello summer 2008. Summer 2008 brought on a level of frustration, depression, despair and anger like no other, along with about 50+ pounds.
Sure we'd only been married for bout 8 months and only trying that long, but its like as soon as we got to KS I was hit by this ugly cloud and so many awful emotions. It was like the past ten yrs of struggling with drs, bc, medication for pain, stomach problems, migraines and so on had all caught up to me. And boy oh boy was I a mess.
The next few years the ugly train called infertility sure showed its true colors, the ugliness of it all and challeneged me in ways Id never like to experience again. I spent countless hours, days, weeks and dollars going to dr after dr and test after test and drug after drug.
During this time ben was there, he listened, held my hand as I bawled night after night in pain or gut wrenching sadness, rubbed my back, tried to help me manage pain, and so much more. He came to appointments as he could. But working the job he did and in agriculture didnt leave much time to gallop all over swks with me all the time. He gladly paid the medical bills, patiently dealt with me as my head often spun around in circles because of hormones and depression.
I can share that last paragraph with you now with love and appreciation. But back then, id prob be gritting my teeth while saying it -- I know im a B! But, its the truth. It is so so easy to blame the one closest to you. Why wasnt he going to more appointments, why was I alone, why did I have to come home and explain it all to him...if he just came more maybe hed understand more. But, I dont think men ever will be able to understand 100% this insane frustration, the innate desire to be a mom, to live pain free, the desire to be pregnant, the joys a normal period and ovulation schedule would bring, etc.
During these few years, I tried metformin for mult years -- which caused daily bouts of diarrhea. Followed by many months on chlomid only to be pulled off it when they found it was thinning the lining of my utereus, making my head spin around from insane emotions and hatred and one scary day of awful shortness of breath. A few progesterone injections to restart my often irregular period. Tons and tons of bp medication. Because of course Im stressed, not losing weight and stress eating allll the time! Many ultrasounds, ct scans, reminders of my weight, many many lab draws and so on. Eventually I had laproscopic surgery to diagnose endometriosis and pcos.
Next I had an injection of lupron and went into menopause for six months. Ahhh menopause, a place I would willingly go again. Oh man was it great, the most normal hormones Id felt in forever. No monthly breakdowns over not ovulating or my period coming. And NO pain.
During all this we learned ben had some fertiltiy issues too, some that could possibly be fixed with surgery. Trying to get a man to have surgery who has never had surgery before, never ever, and is TERRIFIED of drs was as easy as it would be to put an elephant into a clown car!
Needless to say the topic of bens surgery brought me to a very dark place full of hatred and malice. Yah I loved him, but here I sit in pain ALL the time. And when I say that let me clarify that I mean physical and emotional pain. I just couldnt understand why he wouldnt do something for me that might make me have a chance at a better quality of life! Sure insert calling me a B here again, but at that place and time I was so desperate for relief from pain, for a baby of my own and to become a mom.
Hello spring 2011. God sure flipped my world upside down. Overnight my continual trips to doctors, stress and fears and life in general changed focus from myself to that of a loved one. My life was then consumed with that of someone else. I changed my focus in life and put it towards my loved one. Not only did my focus change, but so did that of ben and other close loved ones.
During this time I completely forgot bout trying get pregnant and bens surgery -- sure being in menopause helped and so did nursing school -- but it was exactly what I had needed! Not that Id wish for all that happened to ever happen again, but for me it was a huge blessing in disguise.
Hello spring 2012. Graduate rn school, float in pool for the whole summer, vacation a ton, and ben brings up surgery again and decides will do it when he can with wk schedule.
At this point in time my periods are alot better, pain manageable with otc meds, I have been losing weight and I am again happy. Infact, im happier than had been in a long time.
Please dont get me wrong, I did have many moments of happiness during those very dark years. But, those years were filled with alot of silent pain. And in spring 2012 I no longer was hurting as bad. I was accepting life as it was and was determined to find a better quality of life. Sure, I still wanted a baby more than anything, but I was learning to accept the here and now and realizing that Im not in control and becoming ok with it.
I started working as a RN full time in jetmore and quickly found content and happiness! My life just fit! And for those of you that know the gypsy part of me, this is a huge thing.
Spring 2013. Ben has his surgery, move all over swks, have lots of fun adventures, keep working at jetmore and still am content and happy!
Fall 2013-now. Ben quits the world of working on a farm and becomes a stay at home hubby and eventually goes back to work for a more "8-5" job. My periods slowly start to change again and pain returns. I start working out like a mad woman and have some pain relief, but things def are changing. We decide to try to get preg again. Ovulation test and progesterone pills on board. Well that only lasted a few months cuz I couldnt handle the hormones. I was crazier than I had ever been before. We still tried for bout 6 months, but I couldnt handle it. I wasnt ovulating normal again. I was in all kinds of new pain and period was getting irregular.
I decide to try bc again for one month. Not oral bc cuz cant handle and had awful side effect. I know I know trying bc when ttc?!? I still want a baby, that hasnt changed. Id take one in a heart beat! But ive experienced bout 18 months with a great quality of life, and for me that wins.
As far as fertility treatments go, I have decided it is not for me beyond what we have allready done. I am not against fertility tx, in fact I am very for fertilty tx and have nothing but the upmost respect for those that go through them. People who go through fert tx are some of the bravest and strongest people I know. But for me, its just not my path.
Life for me now is more simple. I have decided that I want quality of life over anything else. This "quality of life" is something Im still figuring out and will share about when Im ready.
With this decision I have found nothing but peace and experienced levels of healing that I didnt realize I so desperately needed.
The malice and anger I felt towards Ben and others has turned into love and appreciation for all that they put up with, for their continual support and respect of my decisions.
Some things that I would consider as "words of wisdom"...never assume why someone hasnt had a baby, if someone vaguely answers questions of parent hood let it go...if they want to talk about it they will when they are ready. And dont be offended if someone doesnt share everything or anything with you. Its not always easy to talk about.
I know relationships and life changes when kids are in the mix, its a natural progession of life, but dont let that end or ruin relationships that are near and dear to you. And please think before you say, "you dont understand you dont have kids..." -- not think like never use, but think about maybe how and when you use it. Yes this statement is true and warrented at times, and yes we may not completely understand what you are going through, but try to explain it to us, let us in on how we can maybe make the relationship a little easier, what you need or involve us with the kids. Besides it takes a village right?!?
Along the same token, people who are infertile, think before you throw out there the, "you dont understand beacuse you can have kids." That can be just as hurtful. If a relationship is being effected by your infertility, and you wanna keep said relationship try to let them in on what you are going through. You dont have to share everyrthing, but just a little insight can go a long way.
The most important thing that Id like people to remember is that whatever choices a person makes is there choice and NOT yours. Each and every body is different, so respect the choices loved ones make and do nothing but love and support them in their journey.
Ive have groups of people in my life I have chosen to be more open about my inferility than some, and more reserved than others. There is no manual on infertility. So bear with us. Me personally, if you wanna know something, ask. And ill either answer you 100% or share to my comfort level. Id rather you ask me than speculate or ask others.
Ive been beyond blessed for all of the love and support I have in my life. I know I have way more support than many people out there. Words cannot even begin to express my gratitude for the life and loved ones I have been blessed with.
I may not be a mom yet, but Id like to think that I (and we) have worked hard at it, and the journey is not over, just taking a bit longer than originally planned.
Hebrews 6:19 in short states "hope anchors the soul." I have hope and faith that God hears the desires of my heart, without that hope and faith Id be lost. It helps keep me grounded and at rest with my soul, as an anchor keeps a boat grounded and at rest with the sea.
