The truth....something we are all expected to accurately tell from a young age. Most of us are taught that we are supposed to tell the whole truth, not the partial truth or the complete opposite of the truth, a lie. But, yet on a daily basis we all tell ourselves and other people partial truths and lies. We like to think that we don't, but we do.
Growing up, we think that our parents, grandparents and virtually all adults tell us the truth, but there are many cases where they just tell us partial truths or even little white lies. While growing up, we also like to think that we tell ourselves the truth, but honestly how many of us really do, especially during the teen years?!?!
I like to think that I tell myself the truth about myself (if that makes sense), but in the last year or so, I have come the realization that perhaps I don't always tell myself the truth. In fact, I think there were many years when I told myself, or let myself believe, what I wanted to be the truth, and not what the actual truth was.
Don't get me wrong, there are things that we think that we want in a moment, and perhaps we really do, then we get or accomplish what we want, only to find out that what we wanted doesn't make us happy. I don't always think that this is "lying" to ourselves, but rather something we thought that we would really want, and in reality we didn't. Or, that it is something more along the lines of an idea or a fantasy that we were in love with and not the actual thing itself. I hope this all makes sense, kind of a bit of twistage of words tonight.
I find it funny, when I came to some of the realizations about what I was "lying" to myself about, there were a number of close people in my life who were like "DUH, we knew that allready, you just had to figure it out." And that is right, I think we often lie to ourselves or convince ourselves that we are okay about a particular topic in order to protect ourselves...which is a part of growing and maturing and of not dealing with issues until we are ready to do so.
For years I knew it would be difficult for me to get pregnant and come to find out years after being married it is hard on both of our ends. This was a topic and Ben and I were open about from the beginning, I didn't lie to him about what I knew about myself because I felt like he needed to know. There were select friends (a good amount of close girlfriends) that knew my problems and the possible struggles that I was going to face. As a couple trying to get pregnant, we shared with a few close friends the struggles that we were having and I know that I more openly talked about it than Ben did.
There were many dark days during our journey of trying to get pregnant, surgery, massive amounts of needles, tests and hormones and yet to only be told what I allready knew to some extent and honestly suspected myself. When one is trying to get pregnant you become very in tune with your body, so when Dr's tell you stuff, it isn't usually a huge surprise, just a reconfirmation of what you allready suspected to be true. Through those "dark days" I had amazing family and friends for me to lean on, and some how through it all, I was able to become more honest with myself and hte situation and accept it.
I don't think that it is something that I will ever 100% accept, and something that will never be easy to deal with, but it is now something that I can usually talk about without bawling or feeling bad for myself.
I'm sharing this information because this is my blog, this is my place for me to talk freely...many people reading this is no new secret. Please if you are reading this, please don't think that this is me looking for a pity party, or a place where I am whining. This is a post about how I feel today, and how this topic has affected me lately.
Today, I was holding a friends sweet sleeping little boy while she got her hair done, and a sweet hair stylist said, "better be careful or your bound to end up with one of those." Then out of now where I smartly said to her, not in the cards for me. Once the words came out, I wanted to open my mouth and insert my foot, because I felt like I came across quite snide. Then to my surprise she retorted, "you don't EVER know that, I was told I wasn't going to be able to have kids and I have a wonderful daughter." From my little snide comment the look on the woman's face told me that she knew exactly what my comment was about, what the pain I feel is like and to not give up hope.
On today's journey, I am reminded that I need not lie to myself that the doctors will have good news this time, I need not lie to myself about what my future will look like with 3.5 kids and I need not lie to myself that I've had enough pity parties. Instead, I am reminded that I need to continue to have hope and faith, that there are tons of people out there who know exactly how I feel and that not every day will be an easy one, and that there are days where it is okay for me to have a good bawl or pity party.
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